Letters to myself #1

Get your head screwed on right.

You’ve been ignoring the danger signs going off in your head for so long that it’s starting to take its toll. What happened to the girl who wanted to use her youth and vigour to live and learn, to serve God and others? Did you take a wrong turn down the path, distracted by the wildflowers growing on the side of the road? You told yourself you would learn godliness, self-control and reliance on your heavenly Father for all your needs, physical, spiritual and emotional. Don’t give up on that conviction now.

It’s true trusting and loving others and being loved by others is part of the whole learning experience. But it’s a slippery slope, greased by good intentions and fuzzy feelings, and before you know it your heart in pieces with no one to tell or blame but yourself. And then you’re left only with regret, bitterness and dashed dreams. All because your dreams were too small.

You were made for big things. Things beyond yourself, that involved getting down and dirty in the beautiful messes of other’s lives. That doesn’t mean you have to become Someone, but you want to be remembered as someone who loved with the love you had received. There are so many broken, hurting, lost people around, just as you once were. But you’re no longer blind. You’re no longer dead. And there are so many people out there who need someone to show them how to live. How sad it would be for you to give up the opportunity to be a helping hand because you were too distracted by your own selfish desires.

Dear, you are far more precious than this world or any other human can ever make you feel. Stop living for feelings. Live for what you know to be true and unchanging, and then experience the love only He can provide. And He loves so, so well. You have to learn to be loved by Him before you can begin to let someone else love you. And you need to learn to love yourself and know every shadow and corner of your own heart before you can start allowing someone else to handle it.

So don’t just wait for something to happen. There is so much more to be done, so much more to learn about yourself and others and the world. Work on that puzzle while there’s still only one there. Maybe one day there’ll be another to join it, but for now, let’s make it the most beautiful sky you can.

 

Inspired by my writing sensei and unofficial life coach, HB. 

https://hannahbrencher.com/2014/07/10/and-one-day-id-like-another-sky/
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I miss you

I miss the way he pulls me in to lean on him as we’re walking, then gently allows me to rest my head on his shoulder while he places an arm around me. I miss the way he sits smiling at me without me noticing and his unabashed admittance to it when I do sense his gaze on me. I miss his rumbling deep laughter at my silly jokes, his infectious grin when we’re doing something mundane like grocery shopping. I miss the way he hugs me so tight that I can feel his heartbeat through my face pressed up against his chest and breathe in his musky earthy manly scent. I miss our moments of seriousness, when we can put aside the banter and be real. I miss the tender concerned glance he sends my way in a crowd, the moment when our eyes meet across the room and in that second we know what the other is feeling. I miss his ease in saying things that make my heart skip a beat and banish the inner skeptic, leaving me to bask in his words. I miss watching him in his element thriving. I miss lying in his arms mentally capturing each contour and angle of his sleeping face, then being startled when he pulls me even closer towards him. I miss falling asleep with him uncurling my fingers and gently lacing his through them. And selfish as it may be, I miss the way his eyes tell me he misses me each time we say goodbye, the way I know my longing is matched by his.

Superhero

No matter how much you think you know a girl, so many have “secret identities” of being heroes.

Often, the girl that seems plainest, most ordinary and uninteresting is the one that in secret is a superhero. You may not have noticed her around, but that’s part of the beauty of her disguise. She probably won’t have a killer fashion sense, a toned body, or a sassy attitude, but she’s the one that when nobody is watching, saves that grandma from making the trip to the store by regularly bringing her groceries. She’s the one that inspires the fat kid that life is worth living; just by recognising he too is a human being. She’s the one that stays back till midnight working behind-the-scenes to rescue the show, and never asks for the credit. And she’s the one who ultimately sacrifices popularity, success and love to do the right thing.

She has her fair share of super villains to overcome each day. Evil warlocks, nasty stepmothers, and crazed megalomaniacs are nothing compared to rude jocks, mean girls, and queen bees. She’s developed a strategy to beat them, but it takes so much resolve, and so much determination not to let them push her around. Much of it involves willing herself not to react or lash out, because that will just strengthen the villain, but lowering her head and letting the barbed attacks fly past. It’s something she’s quite mastered, but every so often she’ll nevertheless have to stick her head out to block the attack aimed at someone else. And when that happens, it hurts, a lot. It’ll most likely bruise too, but if it’s for the greater good, a superhero has to do what she has to do. And she’ll do so with a smile well-concealing the scar.

But like all superheroes, this girl has a weakness too. And like other superheroes, her weakness is actually more difficult to overcome than any of the villains she faces. While she goes out each day, silently saving the day and standing up for justice, her cover hides the fact that while she may always answer “How are you?” with “Very well, thank you. And you?” this is often just a ruse. Because at the end of each day, once this superhero takes off her cape and mask, she’s just another vulnerable, lonely girl, who wants to have a superhero come and save her for once. Instead of being forever unnoticed, just once, she wishes that there would be a Lois Lane for her, who would pursue her with the desire to find out who she really is, to support her and be her sidekick, and to finally uncover the wonderful, beautiful person waiting to be found. Until that day comes, however, she’ll continue to don the cape and the mask, put up the shield around her heart and head out to save the day, every day.

It’s okay not to be okay.

It’s okay not to be okay.

You don’t have to be fine.

You don’t have to be strong.

You don’t have to save the world in stilettos and a cape.

It’s okay to be sad.

Sadness reminds you of aliveness and yearning for something better

this world could never satisfy.

 

Banish that smile.

Breathe.

Feel it right to the tips of your toes.

That’s right, feel it.

Let it seep through every pore and infuse the depths of your soul

till it settles there, then leave it.

Not forever. But for long enough till it becomes an old friend-

Not the most comfortable friend

but a faithful one at least.

 

Is it still there?

Sit with it awhile. No, don’t rush it.

Remember this feeling for the times when things are golden

when someone else’s world is grey. When that time comes

you’ll understand. And then you can join them and

Be.

 

Is it still there?

It’s time to say goodbye. Not because it’s bad but because

there’s so much more for you

To live.

Feel.

Laugh.

And friends come and go, even the best of them.

But don’t forget it.

Being forgotten hurts so much so that it wants to visit again

just so you don’t lose the sound of its wistful sigh.

Give it your time when it comes. Drink tea by the fire with it.

And when it leaves and you find yourself laughing again

That’s okay too.

Rain drop

It’s funny how a little rain turns the world upside down.

One moment you’re golden and soaring and azure and invincible then

Plop.

A fat droplet of moisture hits your face.

You’re confused where it came from. Wasn’t it supposed to be summer?

It doesn’t take long for another to join it

Plop. Then another few plop, plop,

Before the heavens bare their soul to you, inviting you to do the same.

A flash illuminates the monotonous grey and a chill crawls up your spine

Peeling back another layer as the sky continues to fall

Plop.

Plop.

 

You’re soaked through, water seeping into every orifice it can

Till it reaches your bones and settles there.

The instruments intended to defend you from the elements

Powerless at the mercy of that relentless drum beat

Plop. Plop. Plop.

It becomes hard to imagine a world without that pervasive moisture in the air

Without the incessant echo residing in the background.

Was there ever a time when everything wasn’t damp? Before

Dankness and wailing winds and muddy browns were

The defining senses consuming your skin and ears and eyes.

 

Life is put on hold.

Buses are delayed.

Trains are halted indefinitely.

Aircrafts grounded.

Getting to work becomes a physical ordeal along with the

Mental emotional spiritual challenge it already is.

It is so hard to connect two minds even without bodies being separated too.

Will it ever end?

You know it will,

Eventually

Soon

Anytime now.

Right?

Plop.

Right?

Plop.

 

But the clouds do roll away

And the air is crisper and the day finer than before.

Life explodes banishing the darkness while only

Vestiges remain of the passing storm:

The earth still sinks as you tread its paths,

The grass sparkles with a newfound brilliancy,

The earth worms lie by the side of the road

Casualties of the deadly river trickling past their wriggling corpses

Doomed by the emerging radiance.

And from every rooftop, tree branch, any surface under the sky

The telltale chorus prevails.

 

Plop.

 

Plop.